brothers!

Finally a picture of all three!

The twins are just over 3 months now and finally I am seeing glimpses of brotherly love. Eddie is starting to interact with them as they are becoming more comfortable at sitting up in the bouncy seat and propped up in chairs. Just this morning he was placing his blankie over Will's face and then pulling it off, both of them giggling; okay, so Will is not really giggling yet but he was all smiles. The twins have turned a corner within the last couple of weeks, not always needing to be held and getting more independent; they like to lay in the bassinet in our family room and play with the rings/baby gym, and they can spend increasingly more time in the bouncy seat, watching Eddie play. They smile and coo so much now. But the last few weeks, I would say ever since after the 4th of July, they have also become increasingly fussy. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to the fussiness as it occurs at various times of day and not in response to anything directly or indirectly, so I am starting to think it is due to stuff beyond our control, namely growth spurts and teething. Yes, the drooling has begun! They are both apt at sucking their fists. I have been putting Will in bibs this week. He is by far the fussier baby, but they flip-flop in their temperament; one day Will will have a bad day, the next day Clark. When Will is fussy he gets stiff as a board and you must hold him outward. He refuses to nurse, so I have to have a bottle on the ready because sucking on the bottle's teat is the only thing that calms him down. Clark is the more consistent nurser; but he has shown glimpses of the Will-fussiness as he refused to nurse a couple times on Sunday night. This is tough on me because Eddie never had a so called nursing strike; the boob always soothed him. But it doesn't seem to last long and I strategically nurse them directly after they wake up and when they are drowsy because they always seem to nurse then. Will seems to need the room dark and quiet to effectively feed and not be distracted; he is ready to take in the world! Both babies love the bath and water seems to soothe them.

Needless to say, sleep has been more challenging the past month too. There has been more night waking and tougher times with going down for naps. It feels like I am constantly either putting a baby down or responding to a wakened baby. Thank god for the swing! I try not to let them sleep in it, but sometimes it is all that works. In general they have been waking up 2-3 times a night, which is tough because there are two of them and it literally means I am in a semi-awake state all night long, often falling asleep while nursing in the chair. But last night Will slept from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. - whoa! This is hopefully something that will become more consistent. Both can roll over from front to back now, and Will is doing it a lot lately. I often find him awake on his back. Last week marked the last of them sleeping together, which I was slightly saddened by. It was so cute to see them sleeping together; the last night we had them in the same bed we found Will sucking on Clark's hand! But they are moving around so much now and need their own space, not only so that they do not awaken the other but more so for developmental reasons, I think. They are learning how to maneuver their body and need the space to do so.

Summer is slipping away and it feels like we have hardly had one, since most days we are stuck inside tending to babies. Even going for a walk in the evening is a challenge because of nap schedules and fussiness. Getting dinner made, baths prepared and putting all three to bed is an exhausting process that seems to start at 5 p.m. and end at 9 p.m. But we are looking forward to our trip to Maine in August, to have some genuine summer fun and see all the cousins!

1 month...almost 2

Taking a breathe as my three boys nap...contemplating lying down too, but the twins are due up soon as they have been sleeping for three hours now. Amazing how much there is I want to share...where to begin....I am tired and just tried to spell the word amazing with an "I." Clark and Will still look so different (un-identical) to me, although there are moments when they are both sleeping or when they are both feeding, resting on my breast and looking up at me with their big, powerful eyes, that I admit they do look like twins. Clark is starting to fill out more, more in the cheeks and legs, and more of a double chin; he is starting to catch up to his big brother. Hair is falling out, but what remains is brown and could at time seem curly/wavy. The new hair coming in looks blond and straight though. Hmm. Regardless, everyone who sees them do agree that they look so much like E4 did as a baby. Will's complexion is fairer than Clark's. Clark looks a little more like I did as a baby, or so claims my mother. We call him Clarkie or Clarkenwell (from this random song called "Bathtime in Clarkenville") and say that he is a gentleman, a chap, a looker and the charismatic one. Will we call Billy, Billiam, and my favorite: Wilbur. He IS my Wilbur or my Wildebeast. Will is more of the eater, lingering on the breast for hours and always rooting to indicate he wants more. Often I say he is faking it and a manipulator, because he roots when other people are holding him in order to get returned to his mom. He is a mama's boy, through and through and will often freak out when I am away. His cry seems to escalate quicker at times. But overall he often seems more chill, more at ease and can sleep longer...I dunno, the sleep thing seems to change every day. One day Will sleeps better and the next day Clark does. But they both sleep consistently well during the night, waking only 1-2 times. I am trying to transition myself from sleeping the entire night in the chair with them, to sleeping some of the night in the bed. For the last two nights we have successfully started them off in their bed from 9 - 1 a.m. Then I feed them in the chair and either we stay there or we try to put them back down and sometimes they end up back in our bed with us. Clark hiccups a lot. Clark stares into your soul. He wakes up happy, doesn't need to eat right away, just likes to stare at you or out the window for a bit before he has his breakfast. He likes to dance or be walked around. But neither of them have faired well on walks or car rides, much like their brother. They seem to want to eat all the time and when they are in their car seats or stroller they freak out because they aren't close enough to their food source.

Why/how do I create such needy, intense babies? I have asked myself this question a lot lately. Or rather, why do we, Eddie 3 and I, create these temperamental creatures who crave affection/human touch and startle easily? They are no where near as fragile as E4 was and can be put down to sleep quite well (yes, I am actually putting them down for naps drowsy but awake at times!!!), but they are still definitely not EASY babies. Whatever EASY is. Anyway, I ask this and then I witness my husband throwing a diaper onto the floor in the middle of the night in a rage because the strap on it broke, and I smile, realizing how easily we both can escalate to frustrated in stressful situations. Somehow I have not been pushed to my limit yet....I repeat, yet. But I have to report that E3 is struggling to remain calm lately, mostly in response to E4's antics. Yes, our E4 went from handling the babies very well in the first month to a complete terror in the 2nd month. He wants to nurse constantly, asking for "mama milk" anytime only one baby is nursing or he sees an open opportunity, i.e. I am sitting down. He has been misbehaving in general, doing things like throwing shoes around, kicking the babies bassinet and being very loud with slamming doors or banging toys. If you tell him not to do something, he does the exact opposite. It is very draining. I feel very drained. Ok, maybe I should lay down.

the arrival of will and clark

It has been one month and finally had a moment to post the birth story!

Birth, the act of giving life, is such an incredible, powerful emotional and physical experience that I'd like to believe that even an atheist would be convinced of a higher power after giving or witnessing a natural birth. And so when my doctor told me that it was likely I was going to have to be induced, instead of letting that higher power and nature dictate the birthdate of my twins, I was less than enthused. At 36 weeks and a day (Thursday April 7th) my doctor told me that my blood pressure was rising and there was too much protein in my urine, signs of pregnancy-induced hypertension with risk of preclampsia. They ran some additional tests on my liver enzymes and platelets that day and luckily after spending close to 8 hours in the doctor's office and triage, we were sent home. I had to then collect my urine for 24 hours and return on Monday. On Tuesday the 12th he called me around 11 a.m. and said that my urine still had a significant amount of protein in it and so we were going to induce today. I said, "ok, when should I come in?" He said "now." E4 was in school, so my Mom drove me to the hospital and Eddie left work and met me there. We were admitted into a labor and delivery room around 1. Pitocin was administered first, around 2 p.m. and I didn't really feel anything even though the machine was tracking some contractions. The resident checked my cervix and I was at 3 cm. Dr Chen's colleague Dr. Beyer came in around 3:30 and broke my bag. Another couple hours passed and I still didn't even feel like I was in labor, complaining to Peyton (my doula) and my husband that the waiting was causing me to feel anxious and just couldn't wait to feel pain. Finally around 5:30 or so I was on the phone with my sister and had a contraction that felt like a contraction. I labored leaning over the raised hospital bed, with Peyton rubbing my back through moderate contractions for about an hour and a half. At one point I actually said that I was "at peace during my contractions" because it felt good to finally FEEL something. During one of the contractions the nurse was trying to explain to Eddie how to turn music on the TV and she said "look for the channel with the daffodils." After this I kept having the word and image of daffodils in my head, imagining them blossoming open; this proved to be significant not only because it helped open up my cervix, but also when we got home there were flowers for us in our bedroom which E4 had picked out: daffodils.

Around 7 p.m. or so, my contractions started to become more intense; I knew this because I started swaying more and even moaned a bit. But I only had about 4 contractions like this before I exclaimed "rectal pressure!" and told Peyton I had to poop; I did poop. And then she asked the resident to check me because I was having the urge to push. The resident said "she's complete." And just like that a slurry of people were coming in the room; it was shift change time and all these nurses and doctors were introducing themselves amidst their own discussion of, what should we do? since the plan was for me to get an epidural; twin deliveries are required to get an epidural because of the risk of an emergency c-section for Baby B. Without it, you would have to be put under. Dr. Chen gave the orders over the phone to not give me the epidural and shortly thereafter they were wheeling me into the OR to begin pushing. The hardest part was wanting to push but them telling me not to because they weren't ready yet. Peyton was in my ear coaching me how to breathe through the contractions, as if holding in the breathes so as not to push. Only 1 person was allowed to accompany me into the OR and Eddie and I had discussed this at length prior; he unselfishly relinquished his spot to Peyton, knowing that she would be the most effective at supporting me through this potentially difficult labor. So, in the old school fashion, my husband was waiting outside the room, calling his family and friends, eagerly awaiting news. Back in the OR, I was uncomfortable lying down and began having really bad heartburn and then also complained that I was hungry. I pushed about 6 times and heard the joyous cries of baby A...a boy...my Clarkie. The pediatric team took him off to check vitals. I felt a huge sense of relief and did not feel at all like there was another baby in me, but they assured me that Baby B was there, head down and I could push during the next contraction. I pushed only three times and out came Will very smoothly and easily; I saw his screaming face and he looked just like E4 did at birth. Clark was 5 lbs 6 oz. and 18.5 inches long and received a 9.9 apgar score! Will was 5 lbs. 15 oz. and 19.25 inches long. Clark had a low glucose reading though and because they were technically pre-term at 36 weeks and 6 days (one more day and they would have been fullterm for twins!), Clark was admitted to the NICU that night. He had to have his blood sugar tested every 3 hours to make sure it was okay. And they had to feed him formula until it was brought up to the proper level. But once it was above a certain reading, I came and nursed him every three hours. He was discharged from the NICU the next day at 4 p.m. and we were all together as a family for only one night in the tiny hospital room until we left on Thursday at 3 p.m. E4 was home with Nonni and behaving well. When we arrived home with the babies he was a tad curious but mostly went about his business and played very independently. He was only interested in the babies when they would cry (typically during a diaper change) or when laying in their bassinet in the family room. He can say "Will" and Clark he calls "Baby C."

right now

Right now amidst the punches and kicks of my unborn babies I am thinking of my other baby, my Eddie. I am always thinking about him, worrying about him. The speech pathologist's words echo in my mind: "we have to honor where he is at now." His whimsy, his fervor, his whirlwind of play and babble, his neediness, his introverted shyness and even his laziness and desire to stay in his PJs late into the afternoon. There is a wide spectrum of "typical childhood development," she tells me and Eddie falls arguably within that; he is just on the slower end of the spectrum. He is just a tad immature...in many ways. This insight was shared with me weeks ago and just recently as I was putting him to bed I tried to find a new perspective on this professional affirmation of my own assessment and intuition. I was thinking that our society is in too much of a rush. We expect our kids to grow up so fast, to mature too rapidly and to develop into independent mini adults way before their time. Maybe it is a good thing that Eddie is taking his time, maybe it is a good thing that he wants to be a baby a tad longer. Maybe he will grow into a confident, secure child and adult because he was allowed to indulge in infancy. I hope this. But my concern lingers. My husband has more faith - he says he looks into Eddie's eyes and sees that he is okay, that he is smart, that he is good. I wish I could feel this secure, instead of worrying over things like why he won't pedal his bike or why he runs and hides when people come to the door. I suppose this is all part of being a parent....deep breath....as I prepare to bring two more into the world.

the 3 hour nap

Eddie has never been one for consistency when it comes to sleep, we all know this. Lately his naps are getting very inconsistent; some days he refuses a nap (it basically consists of a failure on my part to put him down effectively and so he will play in his crib for a half an hour/45 minutes or so but never sleep), most days his naps are more like 1 hour or maybe 2. But every once in awhile he simultaneously treats me and bewilders me with a 3 hour nap. Today is one of those days. He is just getting over a cold so I feel like it has been eons since he last took a good nap and I am trying to make the most out of this chunk of time but find myself getting consumed by phone calls and texts and emails and my ever-looming growling stomach that prevents me from ever getting any real solid project work done. But I did clean my oven yesterday, and I did pay to have my upholestry and rugs cleaned this morning, so I do feel somewhat productive. Pause. Take a bite of lasagna, lunch number two for me today.

32 weeks

Baby A and B are 32 weeks now. Baby A is head down and Baby B is traverse, or lying horizontally across my abdomen. They are both curled up so tight it is hard to imagine that they will be able to get any bigger, and myself as well. I weigh 190 lbs. and am getting more and more immobile. They weigh 3 lbs. 14 oz and 3 lbs 15 ozs. We brought E4 with us to the doctor's appointment because he said he wanted to see the babies. He lasted about 8 minutes in the ultrasound room and then wanted to go back in the lobby to play. He is still sweet with me and occasionally will hug my belly and say "oh babies" but he is not as obsessed with them or the idea of them as he once was. These days he is in to the movie Cars and drinking smoothies. We have been making smoothies a couple times a day and he loves them and begs for more. Baby A and B like them too. :)

the big 3-0

Eddie is 30 months today, that's officially 2 and a half. I cannot believe that in 6 months he will be three. I say this wholeheartedly because there are so many moments when he still seems like my little baby. He is my special special (this is a Thomas reference, which I also cannot believe I am stating). It is hard to measure your toddler's growth when you see him every day and his actions and words become predictable and commonplace; don't get me wrong, there are always a handful of things he does on a daily basis that amaze me, but in general it is hard to note development when it is unfolding before your very eyes.

Verbally he is making some progress, although I still feel like he has a long way to go to be comparable to his peers. He latest phrases are " Ba Da, See Me" which translates to "Bye Dad, See you later!," "Mama two babies" and he is really into the verb "do" and will say "Me/I do" or "Mama do." He says "I sit," "I eat," and "I stink" when he goes poop. He still talks about "Ho ho" a lot and will say "ho ho down chimney." I feel like we can have full conversations with him and he totally understands, and yet his expressive language lacks the ability to completely talk back to us. And yet he is so expressive in so many other ways, through his nonverbal gestures, nosies and facial experssions that there rarely seems to be an instance when we do not understand each other. His latest words are "boards," as in the hockey boards, "coal" as in what the tender of the train carries and "water." He is interested in how the snow melts into water. The speech therapist is very impressed with his play skills and thinks he is making good progress and so I guess I should not be as concerned as I am.

School is going well for him. He has struggled a tad more with the separation and there have been some days when just getting out the door has been a challenge, but yesterday I think we overcame a huge hurdle because I did not sneak out when I left him. I clearly made eye contact with him and told him "ok Eddie, I'm going to go. See you later." and he did not shed a tear or seem distraught at all. This is huge. They say that he is relatively shy and respects other kids' space; which means he does not like getting too close to others nor does he like it when another kid gets close or touches him. He likes gym class the best, but also seems to enjoy music and computer time. He made his first BM while at school yesterday, which is a good sign because it means he is comfortable there; Eddie typically never goes poop away from home. Can you believe that in 2.5 years I have yet to change a poopy diaper in a public setting?! I have never used one of those changing tables in a restroom. Ok, wait, clarification. We did have to change a poopy diaper at Old Orchard Beach in Maine...a poopy swim diaper...not fun.

Right now he is "in" to putting on his hockey equipment (thanks Uncle Will!) and parading around the house, putting on his "Bob" hard hat and pretending to fix things with his tool set, playing with his choo choos, puzzles (yes, he finally is getting into them and doing a very good job and juxtaposing the pieces into the right space), matching objects and finding hidden pictures ( he has always had a very astute eye for finding really small pictures of objects amidst others), counting (the only number he can say is "two" but he will point at items and make a counting noise). He enjoys reading and asking me "what's that" to every little detail on the page, even things like sky and doorknobs and bows in girls' hair.

He still loves to play outside. We took advantage of the 50 degree weather and sun today and he spent over an hour literally rolling around in the mud, shoveling the thawed out earth. We walked down our block and he picked up every stick he could find and threw them in the street. We are both excited for spring.

a true Chicagoan

Eddie had his first taste of Chicago-style stuffed pizza last night. He loved it. I was shocked because so far he has been quite picky about the kind of pizza he will eat. He loved it so much that he asked for more as his late night snack before bed, AND he also asked for it for breakfast! He cannot say the word "pizza" yet but he basically demanded it this morning by opening the fridge and pointing to the box and then throwing a temper tantrum when I told him he couldn't have pizza for breakfast. Alas, I gave in. Pizza for breakfast it was!

more cars or barbie shoes?

The other day I stepped on a toy car that Eddie had left on the bathroom floor, and I couldn't help but think what my future holds: more cars or barbie shoes scattered across our floors? I have been convinced that we are having twin boys, and every reliable indication seems to point in that direction too. My acupuncturist has a pretty good track record for predicting the sex of babies and she has said "Boys" the last two times I have gone. But I still feel so awful, and there is scientific evidence proving that girls cause you feel worse because of the hormones, so the past few days I have been thinking that maybe Baby A and Baby B don't have penises after all.

At 26 weeks now, about 6 months, I cannot believe that I have three months to go. My goal is to carry these babies as long as possible, but recently I have started to feel so off that I cannot imagine carrying them for a full term. Sleep has become a challenge. My constipation has turned into loose stools, multiple times a day, I have intense pelvic pressure at times, lower back ache that radiates down my thighs in a dull ache and it is getting difficult to maneuver and do simple things like pick something up off the floor or put my socks on. I had to reschedule my last doctor's appointment because of the blizzard, but I go on Monday and I am for sure going to mention all of these "off" feelings because they are all associated with pre-labor signs; well everything except the annoyance of putting on socks. My heartburn is in full force and unfortunately I am still throwing up every once in awhile, which does not feel good at all because the gut contracts and then puts even more pressure on my cervix. I have accepted the fact that I will not ever feel good during this pregnancy; no spurts of energy to get house projects done in the classic nesting fashion that most pregnancies allow. It is hard enough just picking up toys, washing dishes and cooking dinner. Gone are my goals of cleaning the oven, reorganizing closets and "spring cleaning." I guess I will just have to focus on accomplishing the bare minimum...maybe I can get the old baby toys washed and all the bassinets, bouncy seats and car seats in decent form...

the sickies

Just cannot win with this pregnancy and health. At 18 weeks I caught a nasty stomach flu bug and now at 25 weeks I am battling a terrible head cold. Seems like I caught it from E4 as he came down with it on Sunday and I woke up Tuesday with congestion. We are both coughing and blowing snot out of our noses. This is day three of not leaving the house. Ugh.

school days

It has been a monumental, busy week for E4. He started baseball on Monday and then "school" on Tuesday! He was very tentative at baseball, and would have preferred to just watch the three year olds bat or run around exploring the huge fieldhouse, but he did a fairly decent job at moving from drill to drill and following the coach's directions with assistance from Mom. On Tuesday he went to his school, Creme de la Creme, from 8:30 - 11:30; today, Thursday, I picked him up at noon. He will go there 2 days a week from 8:30 - 12:30. It is a day care/pre-school that operates on an intense, rotational curriculum. This means that he changes classrooms and activities every half hour. For the next few months his schedule is as follows:
8:30 -9 Creative Movement (everything from parachute to yoga to dance; they wrote on his summary sheet "Eddie is really good at throwing a ball and catching.")
9 - 9:30 Computer Lab (today they worked on the letter "o" and they said he repeated the word "ox!")
9:30 - 10 Snack and Free Play
10- 10:30 Outside Playground
10:30 -11 Music/Drama (today they wrote "Eddie enjoyed playing with musical instruments.")
11- 11:30 Gym
11:30 - 12 Lunch/Math Concepts (they were impressed that he ate all of his cucumber and tomato salad and asked for more!)

His teachers are Ms. Jamie and Ms. Courtney, young and energetic women, plus he sees special instructors for classes like Creative Movement and Music. There is a tremendous amount of staff there. Every day I get a written report of what he learned/did, ate and if he had a diaper change or tried to use the potty. Today they also wrote on the sheet "Eddie is a great helper!"

On his first day I stayed in his first class for about 15 minutes and then snuck out and he didn't even notice. Today I tried to do the same and he saw me leaving and ran over to the door and started to cry, so I stayed for another 5 minutes and then snuck out and he did fine. The teachers said he has been doing really well. Today when I went to pick him up he ran over to me right away but then he didn't want to leave. He showed me the bathroom and how he washed his hands, then he proceeded to climb on the cots they were getting ready for the other kids' naps and even laid down on one for a bit and then I told him I was going to leave but he could stay if he wanted, and of course he joined me at the door. He likes drinking from the water fountain/bubbler. And he loves the pond in the lobby with all the fish; has to say goodbye to the fish every day. Then as we leave we pass the TV monitors in the lobby (this is a cool feature for parents to observe their children) and he points out all the rooms with the "babies." As we drove home today, he fell asleep. Busy days for my growing boy!

As for me, the separation has been way easier than most, including myself, would have anticipated. I find myself driving away smiling, knowing that he is adjusting well and seems excited to go there each morning. The time goes quickly and I find I cannot get all the things done I would have hoped. Today I went home and got to take a long shower and meet a friend for coffee. It is a nice break, but in general, I prefer being a full-time mom and it makes me feel like a fish out of water to be with out him and have time to myself. I feel like he is in good hands, although I do worry about illnesses on the horizon; I swear every kid in there either has a cough or some secretions coming from nose or eyes. There are about 10 or so kids in his class, although the number seems to vary since some kids are there all week and of course there are always kids out sick. A little girl named Cora seems to like him...let's hope she doesn't have the cooties.

Baby A and Baby B: 24 weeks

Things are just happening too fast now...there doesn't seem to be time to blog about everything going on in our lives and I know it is only going to get crazier. I will try to blog about both E4 and the babies, mostly as separate posts. A friend of mine asked if I was keeping a journal throughout my pregnancy like I did for Eddie, and I felt bad because the answer is of course, no.

So, here is a start: the babies are 24 weeks now and weigh 1 lb. 6 oz and 1 lb. 8 oz, for Baby A and Baby B respectively. I was very excited by this news yesterday because it is quite common for monozygotic twins (identical) to vary in size and if the discordance is drastic enough then they might induce labor prematurely; up until this point Baby B has been remarkably larger and so to see that Baby A is catching up is a good sign. Baby A is by far more active; I feel movement on the right side of my womb throughout the day, all day. But during yesterday's ultrasound Baby B's feet were actually on the right side of my body, so maybe I have been mistaking Baby A's movement for Baby B's kicks! Baby A is head down...let's hope she/he stays that way and I can attempt a vaginal birth...the reality of a c-section is starting to sink in as I mentally prepare for a very different labor experience than I had with Eddie. This is ultimately what led me to selfishly decide that we were not going to find out the sex of the twins; if I end up having a scheduled c-section and we knew what we were having, then it would feel like just a surgery to me. But by not knowing, then no matter what, it will feel like a birth. I am still not feeling great. I still have a strong gag reflex and will dry heave in the morning or really any time that I get hungry and do not eat. Still eating for four (yes, E4 is still nursing, but thankfully weaning). And our Whole Foods bills are reflecting this surge in appetite. The worst part about the throwing up/dry heaving is that it also makes me pee simultaneously, which means having to change my clothes. (I had to add this gross detail because I know some day I will laugh at it!) The heartburn isn't as bad as it was with Eddie, but it is there. The other differences in this pregnancy are the extreme hunger (of course), constipation and more of a sexual interest. There are things I am eating this time around that I couldn't go near last time and vice versa: this pregnancy I am eating a ton of red meat (last time abhorred it); cannot eat or see chicken; nuts and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are in this time around and last time I avoided them; and I don't seem to have a problem with mayonnaise this time around either. Had to buy a new winter coat today because I was getting sick of stuffing myself into my other one. Also made my doctor's appointment for my 32 week visit (march 7), which sounds oh so close in terms of potential delivery and also the date itself...scary. We are not ready yet, you hear that Baby A and Baby B? Stay in there as long as possible!