a regression

Lately I feel like there has been a regression in, how can I say it accurately/appropriately, some of Eddie's habits/behavior. In particular sleeping and nursing. And in many ways the two go hand in hand. See I created this ritual of nursing Eddie to sleep when he was an infant - it is only natural, especially for a high-needs, colicky baby like he was. This ritual continued well beyond the colic stage and throughout various stages of development Eddie continued to fall asleep at the breast. I just got really good at waiting for the perfect moment to de-latch him, sliding my nipple from his dropped jaw, and ever so gingerly laying him in his crib where he would most often just roll onto his belly and continue to drift into deeper sleep. There have been pockets of time where he has not needed the boob to fall asleep, sometimes even refusing it outright, or mostly just nursing for a tad and then de-latching himself and I put him down and he falls asleep on his own. These are the good moments, success in our sleep trials and tribulations. But the last month or so has been bad. Between sleeping more away from home over the holidays and being sick, the system has resorted back to the newborn-like habit of falling asleep on mom. Even worse now is that he consistently awakens when I go to de-latch him and then he gets really upset when I transfer him to his crib, often never falling back asleep and thereby avoiding a nap altogether, unless you count the 20-30 minutes he spent on the boob. And when we're away from home I do whatever I can to mitigate his crying altogether so as not to wake others in the house, which means spending even more time with him, sometimes up to 1.5 hours, to get him to fall asleep and transfer into the pack in play successfully. Argh. It's exhausting just writing about it.

During the day, he suddenly wants to nurse all the time, like a newborn. I swear it is like every 3 hours or so. He whines to be picked up or held and then tugs at my shirt. I know that a lot of it was because he was sick, and I always think that it is good for him to breastfeed when sick to ensure good fluid intake. But it also concerns me because it seems like then he doesn't eat as much real food. For the first time since last summer, I had to pump the other night because I got engorged - he is drinking so much that my body must think that I have a 3 month old, not a 16 month old!

Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing. The older Eddie gets, the better it gets, in a way. It is hard to explain. A toddler seems to go through constant shifts of emotion and energy. One moment ferociously chasing a ball, one moment whining for help in a task, one moment giggling in pleasure at his own conquests. And in the breakdown moments, when exhausted and frustrated, the most natural thing for me to do is scoop him up into my arms and sit down with him to see if he needs comforting. Nine times out of ten he will tug at my shirt and we will share an intimate moment together that helps calm our nerves, lower our blood pressure and heart rate and releases endorphins, making us both feel so relaxed, so at ease, and ready to take on the next task whether it be naptime or playtime. How could anyone, mom or child, not want this? And yet I have to start to modify the ritual, in particular pre-bedtime/naptime, because it is starting to take its toll on our sleep quality. I have to start to, gulp, wean him. This will be one of the hardest things I ever have to do, dare I say.