exhaustion

Nobody has ever said this to me, but it is something I will surely tell others: parenthood is a state of being able to function amidst exhaustion. I am exhausted. Going on 13 months of interrupted sleep and my body is really starting to break down. Two nights ago Eddie did something he has never done before in the middle of the night - he woke up after being put to bed and wanted to stay up. He wasn't what I would call playful though, he just wanted me to hold him. So I naturally thought that something was wrong, that he was sick, despite having no fever. So I grabbed a blanket and proceeded to sleep in the chair with him. He wanted to sleep on me, but just couldn't get comfortable so I thought I would bring him into our bed. My mind aching with the thought that I could be setting the stage for a dreadful habit...but alas, he was not able to sleep there between the excitement of being by his Dad and Marty and the curiosity of the shadows the ceiling fan made, so back to his room we went. He finally fell asleep on the boob, an hour and a half later, and I placed him in his crib. Last night he luckily did not repeat this behavior, but it was perhaps an even worse night of sleep because he woke up and cried out 4 times. Yes, 4 times. Count them. Went down at 7:30, woke at 11 p.m., again at 12:30, again at 3:30, then for good at 6 a.m., going back down for a nap at 8 a.m. Ridiculous. Like a newborn. I have read that this is common at this age/developmental stage and it is all because of the double-edged sword of independence - they want to be independent and the skill of walking is the the pivotal moment in achieving independence, yet they also want to remain close to you, hence the clingyness that Eddie has exhibited recently, and all the excessive requests for boob. During the day he is still nursing 4-6 times too. And I have been feeling really drained - headaches all the time, faintness, digestive problems. So one thing I did, and probably should have done a long time ago is calculate how many calories I consume on an average day - a breastfeeding woman should consumer somewhere between 1800-2200 and if it drops below 1500 they are at risk for losing their milk supply. I calculated that I consume on average 1200...way too low. So I am trying to eat more and more high calories foods. I am taking prenatal vitamins again too. And I have stopped taking the herbal supplements that were helping to flush out my system which was bogged down by what Chinese medical professionals call "stagnation." It all seemed well and has helped my skin, but what it really was doing was making me go to the bathroom a lot. Not to mention Eddie - he has been averaging three poops a day. Now that I have been off the herbs for four days he has only gone poop once per day.

And I keep thinking, this is how I feel with just one child. What happens when there are multiple? I ask my friend and neighbor Cindi who has three kids how she does it, and as the words fall off my tongue I glance over and realize that she has been drinking a Red Bull throughout our walk to the park. Oh. Caffeine. Lots and lots of caffeine. Being active helps too. I feel much more like a human when we are busy and have plans with other people, as hard as it is to find energy to do so, vs. the days we stay home and lay low. Lounging around might sound recharging but it actually seems to make me even more tired and irritable and, I fear, a lackluster mom.

Now it is almost 8:30. Eddie has been asleep for about and hour and I think I am going to go to sleep too.