good baby...not easy

This was a rough week for Mommy...maybe I am just overtired and stressed or maybe Eddie is going through another growth spurt, but this week wore me out and so I proclaimed yesterday that we were heading to Wisconsin to visit Nanny so that I could get a break. Although I typically hate to display my emotional weaknesses to others, I must admit to our blog followers that I shed some tears this week. It started on Sunday night when little Eddie and I attended a friend's baby shower in the suburbs, about 50 miles away from our house. The drive there started off good, with Eddie sleeping as he typically does on the freeway when traffic is moving. But then we got off the exit and he woke up and starting wailing. And then Mommy got a tad lost and he started wailing even more. I just kept saying "we're almost there, we're almost there" even though I had no idea if I was close to this new house or not. We finally made it and I pulled Eddie out of his car seat right away to soothe him and he was all red in the face and sweaty, poor guy. During the party he was pretty well behaved but not as calm as the other two social outings we had taken him on. I think it was the fact that it was in the evening - which is typically his fussiest time day. Then the minute I got him in his car seat and in the car he started crying again and it didn't cease at all until I pulled into our garage. It broke my heart and I cried a bit, but I knew I had to keep it together while driving alone at night. The next night I was alone again at night because his Dad went to a hockey game. As I've stated numerous times before, I don't know what I would do if I were single parent because sometimes Mommy needs a break and then Daddy can take over with the soothing process, and unfortunately on Monday night I had a small taste of what single parenting would be like and it sucked.

Although Eddie is getting better with what we call "independent time" and really likes his bouncy seat, as you saw in the video clip, he still cannot not be held for only about 10-15 minutes before he clamors to be in your arms. And if he gets overtired, which is when the real fussing begins, he must have movement which entails either carrying him throughout the house for a walk or sitting on the exercise ball and bouncing him. The biggest change in his behavior now from when he was only a few weeks old is that he no longer can fall asleep anywhere - gone are the days when he would just sleep on us while we watched TV or used the computer and he longer sleeps in his Moses Basket or bassinet. He literally will only sleep on me in our bed in our dark bedroom with the white noise of a fan - which means that any time he needs to sleep, which is every 1-2 hours, then I have to lay down too. Ok, more on sleep later.

A few weeks ago my godmother Anna said after spending an afternoon with Eddie, "he really is a good baby, isn't he?" and Daddy Eddie and I just had to sort of half smile...it's true, he is a good baby, but he is not easy. I have spent the last week reading about temperament and extreme fussiness/colic and after going back and forth with how I would characterize Eddie (note, I am doing this is order to assess the most appropriate way to sleep train him which will be explained in a future blog entry), I have determined that he does fall into the category of extreme fussiness/colic but has an intermediate temperament. Extreme fussiness is categorized by having to spend at least 3 hours a day for at least 3 days a week for at least 3 weeks soothing your baby. Luckily he doesn't have official colic - we can always soothe him, but yes, it occupies the majority of my day, every day and has since he was born. His temperament, although intense and less adaptable, is not altogether bad. He is smiling and cooing a lot now...sorry it has been a challenge to capture his smiles in photographs because he moves so quickly. Other people use the terms "dream" babies vs. "high needs" babies...Eddie is a high needs baby...and probably always will be which is something I actually look forward to as he grows and develops because I think such a temperament can produce an active child with a sense of curiosity, intensity and persistence that is valuable throughout the learning process.

We are in Wisconsin now and Nanny is more successful at putting Eddie down, a.k.a. to sleep, than I am, so it is giving me a well-needed break. This morning Daddy Eddie and I went out for breakfast and tonight we are going on a "date" to the restaurant where we had our wedding. It feels weird to be away from little Eddie, to not have him always attached to me, but it also feels very refreshing and my back is thanking me. It took until now, week 11, for me to actually feel ready and willing to be away from my baby for a few hours. I know that it happens at different points for different people, some earlier and some maybe never, and it probably is dependant on what type of baby you have. You'd think that I would have reached my wits end a lot earlier and that having a "high needs" baby would have made me want to dish him off onto someone else sooner, but actually it is the exact opposite. Since he is a fussy baby I don't want to leave him with someone else because I don't want to burden them. There is no one who can soothe a baby like his/her own mother, and so I will plow forward through these months of fussiness and lack of sleep, hoping that some day we will look back upon this time and smile.