I let my kids explore their world as they see fit, picking up a twig and chewing on it to feel its rough texture, lifting the lid of the garbage can to experiment with leverage even digging into the soil and rubbing the moist earth into their clothes. I talk them through the process of what they are doing and of course intervene when they may injure or harm themselves, but in general I rarely tell them "No." Now that Eddie has two younger brothers that invade his space, steal his parents' attention and love from him and in general, push his buttons, he is acting out and of course hearing the word "No" a lot. For the past 6 months we have been managing the sibling tension, I think, quite well but keeping them separated through the usage of gates between the rooms and praising for good behavior. But lately, being summer now, I have noticed another successful tactic in managing the energies of three young boys: go outside. They need their space and what better place than in the wide open air of nature? They never fight outside (except for the occasional splash of water from the pool). Will is walking now and Clark is taking a couple steps, so jaunts to the park are made even more pleasurable and interactive. Eddie is demonstrating his innate protectiveness by telling other kids that get into Will or Clark's way, "hey, this is my brother!" I feel like a lot of the tension we experience at home come in part because of the confined space but also the need to seek out attention. When at home I am typically preoccupied with getting household work done, dishes washed, meals prepared and laundry washed and folded. I find myself directing my children's play into rooms where I see myself being able to simultaneously get things done, i.e. "let's go play downstairs with the trains!" which really means, I have to throw in a load of laundry! So I need to 1) redirect my energies to them, to their play more, 2) we need to get out more and will now that it is summer and 3) I need to employ Eddie to help more, to help with chores, to make him take ownership and responsibility for things. Oh and there is so much more I need to modify and do with regards to discipline, but here is neither the place nor space.
I am blessed. Watching my husband and three sons on the see-saw this morning, smiling in the sun, I cannot help but glow inside.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Raising Boys...Future Fathers
I suppose it is appropriate that I find time to write a post today, being Father's Day. I am raising three boys, three future fathers (at least I hope that will one day have children of their own!). After a simple but fun morning of a walk to Starbucks and then play at the park, all three boys (actually all four) are sleeping! I should be cleaning the house...this is what I typically do when I have free time and feel energized, but I have taken to reading lately. I am reading my third Michael Gurian book, entitled "The Good Son." Gurian is a therapist and educator whom specializes in male development and takes a scientific and spiritual approach, arguing that boys are biologically different than girls and hence need unique and specialized instruction in order to ensure appropriate moral development. I love his use of the word "sacred." I love his anthropological approach and arguments that make use of the terms "kinship," "honor code" and "husbandry." I am empowered by him to alter the way in which I raise my sons. It is easy for me to criticize myself, to focus on my failures and errors...and so it comes to no surprise that I feel as though I should have done some things differently, when it comes to Eddie. My eyes are finally opened to the academic reason behind discipline which he defines as "the human being's ability to devote his own physical, mental and emotional drives toward compassion." Yes, I am in charge of guiding my sons' to compassion. It is I that must teach them how to contain, manage, regulate and channel their physical and emotional energies...and I am now realizing that I did not do so properly with Eddie for his first 3 years of life.
I let my kids explore their world as they see fit, picking up a twig and chewing on it to feel its rough texture, lifting the lid of the garbage can to experiment with leverage even digging into the soil and rubbing the moist earth into their clothes. I talk them through the process of what they are doing and of course intervene when they may injure or harm themselves, but in general I rarely tell them "No." Now that Eddie has two younger brothers that invade his space, steal his parents' attention and love from him and in general, push his buttons, he is acting out and of course hearing the word "No" a lot. For the past 6 months we have been managing the sibling tension, I think, quite well but keeping them separated through the usage of gates between the rooms and praising for good behavior. But lately, being summer now, I have noticed another successful tactic in managing the energies of three young boys: go outside. They need their space and what better place than in the wide open air of nature? They never fight outside (except for the occasional splash of water from the pool). Will is walking now and Clark is taking a couple steps, so jaunts to the park are made even more pleasurable and interactive. Eddie is demonstrating his innate protectiveness by telling other kids that get into Will or Clark's way, "hey, this is my brother!" I feel like a lot of the tension we experience at home come in part because of the confined space but also the need to seek out attention. When at home I am typically preoccupied with getting household work done, dishes washed, meals prepared and laundry washed and folded. I find myself directing my children's play into rooms where I see myself being able to simultaneously get things done, i.e. "let's go play downstairs with the trains!" which really means, I have to throw in a load of laundry! So I need to 1) redirect my energies to them, to their play more, 2) we need to get out more and will now that it is summer and 3) I need to employ Eddie to help more, to help with chores, to make him take ownership and responsibility for things. Oh and there is so much more I need to modify and do with regards to discipline, but here is neither the place nor space.
I am blessed. Watching my husband and three sons on the see-saw this morning, smiling in the sun, I cannot help but glow inside.
I let my kids explore their world as they see fit, picking up a twig and chewing on it to feel its rough texture, lifting the lid of the garbage can to experiment with leverage even digging into the soil and rubbing the moist earth into their clothes. I talk them through the process of what they are doing and of course intervene when they may injure or harm themselves, but in general I rarely tell them "No." Now that Eddie has two younger brothers that invade his space, steal his parents' attention and love from him and in general, push his buttons, he is acting out and of course hearing the word "No" a lot. For the past 6 months we have been managing the sibling tension, I think, quite well but keeping them separated through the usage of gates between the rooms and praising for good behavior. But lately, being summer now, I have noticed another successful tactic in managing the energies of three young boys: go outside. They need their space and what better place than in the wide open air of nature? They never fight outside (except for the occasional splash of water from the pool). Will is walking now and Clark is taking a couple steps, so jaunts to the park are made even more pleasurable and interactive. Eddie is demonstrating his innate protectiveness by telling other kids that get into Will or Clark's way, "hey, this is my brother!" I feel like a lot of the tension we experience at home come in part because of the confined space but also the need to seek out attention. When at home I am typically preoccupied with getting household work done, dishes washed, meals prepared and laundry washed and folded. I find myself directing my children's play into rooms where I see myself being able to simultaneously get things done, i.e. "let's go play downstairs with the trains!" which really means, I have to throw in a load of laundry! So I need to 1) redirect my energies to them, to their play more, 2) we need to get out more and will now that it is summer and 3) I need to employ Eddie to help more, to help with chores, to make him take ownership and responsibility for things. Oh and there is so much more I need to modify and do with regards to discipline, but here is neither the place nor space.
I am blessed. Watching my husband and three sons on the see-saw this morning, smiling in the sun, I cannot help but glow inside.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
surrounded by testosterone
I am outnumbered. The Washuk boys are keeping me on my toes with their manly aggression and intensity. The twins are, gasp, almost nine months! Their personalities are starting to shine through, and I am beginning to feel a tad concerned that I am going to have a wild bunch of boys! In the last month they have mastered sitting up unsupported, have started to eat more and more solid food (favorites are apples, avocado and yogurt) and are starting the motions of crawling. Will is by far the more aggressive, constantly stealing toys from his brother, and getting in to anything within a 5 foot radius. I leave him alone for a minute and return to find him playing with Eddie's hockey sticks and Star Wars figures. Clark has this tremendous intensity - evident in his stare and also the activity of his inactivity (when he is lying still he flexes every muscle and when he is sitting "still" he is constantly kicking and twitching). Overall he is better at sitting and playing with toys, whereas Will needs to be on the move. I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that Clark will be more fine-motor and Will gross-motor. Yes, my monozygotic, DNA-sharing twins are alike yet oh so unique. Will is more happy-go-lucky, and Clark more serious, pensive and a tad of a complainer. Clark took to eating solids better at first; now Will has 6 teeth in and he is eating more, but seems to have a harder time with textures. Coughed up his cous cous and carrots last week and just now gagged on what seemed to be a thread from a spinach leaf that sneaked thru the strainer. My life is about to get pretty maddening as they are on the cusp of crawling and the days of leaving one alone while I go put the other down for a nap seem to be near over. They are still sleeping in our room in two pack-n-plays, and we are still not getting much sleep with 2-3 wakings a night from each. In general, Will sleeps better at night; Clark better during the day. Clark has taken to sleeping in our bed with us for the last couple months. Hey, whatever works, right?
Eddie's personality is really shining through strong these days as he asserts himself as the man in the house. He tells us where we can and cannot sit, for example, pushing his Dad out of his favorite chair. He feeds himself, opening the fridge and grabbing whatever he pleases, consuming an average of 4 apples a day. His speech is improving with more and more intelligibility as he says things like "I don't think so," "I want ___, NOW! (complete with arm folding with he says now! and the ever popular "Stop!" such as "Mom, can you make the babies stop crying?" He is already quoting movie lines, to his Dad's praise. And he can sing the "Star Spangled Banner" and "Jingle Bells," Oh, the theme to Caillou is also a fav. He loves to pretend play. Right now his world is still consumed with acting out Santa and Prep & Landing elves, but he also plays Toy Story and Star Wars. He still loves his two baby dolls. They go with him everywhere - to school, Navy Pier, doctor's office, park, etc. He talks to them non stop. We now have him in speech therapy twice a week; the diagnosis is moderate articulation and phonological processing disorder. He is making great strides and likes to use the IPad in therapy...looks like we'll be buying one soon. He is also in to playing with Playdough (he pretends he's baking cookies or going to the movies and eating popcorn) and of course still obsesses about hockey. Santa brought him some new hockey figures and they are all the rage! He is anxiously anticipating some snow. He goes to school two days a week now at Creme de la Creme, from 8:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. and he is doing very well socially and emotionally. Academically, well, let's just say he are still working on numbers, colors and letters. Again, I am surrounded by testosterone and beginning to feel like my hopes of sitting and doing craft projects with my kids seem like pipe dreams. Jealous of those of you with daughters....but of course feel very blessed to have my boys!
Eddie's personality is really shining through strong these days as he asserts himself as the man in the house. He tells us where we can and cannot sit, for example, pushing his Dad out of his favorite chair. He feeds himself, opening the fridge and grabbing whatever he pleases, consuming an average of 4 apples a day. His speech is improving with more and more intelligibility as he says things like "I don't think so," "I want ___, NOW! (complete with arm folding with he says now! and the ever popular "Stop!" such as "Mom, can you make the babies stop crying?" He is already quoting movie lines, to his Dad's praise. And he can sing the "Star Spangled Banner" and "Jingle Bells," Oh, the theme to Caillou is also a fav. He loves to pretend play. Right now his world is still consumed with acting out Santa and Prep & Landing elves, but he also plays Toy Story and Star Wars. He still loves his two baby dolls. They go with him everywhere - to school, Navy Pier, doctor's office, park, etc. He talks to them non stop. We now have him in speech therapy twice a week; the diagnosis is moderate articulation and phonological processing disorder. He is making great strides and likes to use the IPad in therapy...looks like we'll be buying one soon. He is also in to playing with Playdough (he pretends he's baking cookies or going to the movies and eating popcorn) and of course still obsesses about hockey. Santa brought him some new hockey figures and they are all the rage! He is anxiously anticipating some snow. He goes to school two days a week now at Creme de la Creme, from 8:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. and he is doing very well socially and emotionally. Academically, well, let's just say he are still working on numbers, colors and letters. Again, I am surrounded by testosterone and beginning to feel like my hopes of sitting and doing craft projects with my kids seem like pipe dreams. Jealous of those of you with daughters....but of course feel very blessed to have my boys!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
brothers!
Finally a picture of all three!
The twins are just over 3 months now and finally I am seeing glimpses of brotherly love. Eddie is starting to interact with them as they are becoming more comfortable at sitting up in the bouncy seat and propped up in chairs. Just this morning he was placing his blankie over Will's face and then pulling it off, both of them giggling; okay, so Will is not really giggling yet but he was all smiles. The twins have turned a corner within the last couple of weeks, not always needing to be held and getting more independent; they like to lay in the bassinet in our family room and play with the rings/baby gym, and they can spend increasingly more time in the bouncy seat, watching Eddie play. They smile and coo so much now. But the last few weeks, I would say ever since after the 4th of July, they have also become increasingly fussy. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to the fussiness as it occurs at various times of day and not in response to anything directly or indirectly, so I am starting to think it is due to stuff beyond our control, namely growth spurts and teething. Yes, the drooling has begun! They are both apt at sucking their fists. I have been putting Will in bibs this week. He is by far the fussier baby, but they flip-flop in their temperament; one day Will will have a bad day, the next day Clark. When Will is fussy he gets stiff as a board and you must hold him outward. He refuses to nurse, so I have to have a bottle on the ready because sucking on the bottle's teat is the only thing that calms him down. Clark is the more consistent nurser; but he has shown glimpses of the Will-fussiness as he refused to nurse a couple times on Sunday night. This is tough on me because Eddie never had a so called nursing strike; the boob always soothed him. But it doesn't seem to last long and I strategically nurse them directly after they wake up and when they are drowsy because they always seem to nurse then. Will seems to need the room dark and quiet to effectively feed and not be distracted; he is ready to take in the world! Both babies love the bath and water seems to soothe them.
Needless to say, sleep has been more challenging the past month too. There has been more night waking and tougher times with going down for naps. It feels like I am constantly either putting a baby down or responding to a wakened baby. Thank god for the swing! I try not to let them sleep in it, but sometimes it is all that works. In general they have been waking up 2-3 times a night, which is tough because there are two of them and it literally means I am in a semi-awake state all night long, often falling asleep while nursing in the chair. But last night Will slept from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. - whoa! This is hopefully something that will become more consistent. Both can roll over from front to back now, and Will is doing it a lot lately. I often find him awake on his back. Last week marked the last of them sleeping together, which I was slightly saddened by. It was so cute to see them sleeping together; the last night we had them in the same bed we found Will sucking on Clark's hand! But they are moving around so much now and need their own space, not only so that they do not awaken the other but more so for developmental reasons, I think. They are learning how to maneuver their body and need the space to do so.
Summer is slipping away and it feels like we have hardly had one, since most days we are stuck inside tending to babies. Even going for a walk in the evening is a challenge because of nap schedules and fussiness. Getting dinner made, baths prepared and putting all three to bed is an exhausting process that seems to start at 5 p.m. and end at 9 p.m. But we are looking forward to our trip to Maine in August, to have some genuine summer fun and see all the cousins!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
1 month...almost 2
Taking a breathe as my three boys nap...contemplating lying down too, but the twins are due up soon as they have been sleeping for three hours now. Amazing how much there is I want to share...where to begin....I am tired and just tried to spell the word amazing with an "I." Clark and Will still look so different (un-identical) to me, although there are moments when they are both sleeping or when they are both feeding, resting on my breast and looking up at me with their big, powerful eyes, that I admit they do look like twins. Clark is starting to fill out more, more in the cheeks and legs, and more of a double chin; he is starting to catch up to his big brother. Hair is falling out, but what remains is brown and could at time seem curly/wavy. The new hair coming in looks blond and straight though. Hmm. Regardless, everyone who sees them do agree that they look so much like E4 did as a baby. Will's complexion is fairer than Clark's. Clark looks a little more like I did as a baby, or so claims my mother. We call him Clarkie or Clarkenwell (from this random song called "Bathtime in Clarkenville") and say that he is a gentleman, a chap, a looker and the charismatic one. Will we call Billy, Billiam, and my favorite: Wilbur. He IS my Wilbur or my Wildebeast. Will is more of the eater, lingering on the breast for hours and always rooting to indicate he wants more. Often I say he is faking it and a manipulator, because he roots when other people are holding him in order to get returned to his mom. He is a mama's boy, through and through and will often freak out when I am away. His cry seems to escalate quicker at times. But overall he often seems more chill, more at ease and can sleep longer...I dunno, the sleep thing seems to change every day. One day Will sleeps better and the next day Clark does. But they both sleep consistently well during the night, waking only 1-2 times. I am trying to transition myself from sleeping the entire night in the chair with them, to sleeping some of the night in the bed. For the last two nights we have successfully started them off in their bed from 9 - 1 a.m. Then I feed them in the chair and either we stay there or we try to put them back down and sometimes they end up back in our bed with us. Clark hiccups a lot. Clark stares into your soul. He wakes up happy, doesn't need to eat right away, just likes to stare at you or out the window for a bit before he has his breakfast. He likes to dance or be walked around. But neither of them have faired well on walks or car rides, much like their brother. They seem to want to eat all the time and when they are in their car seats or stroller they freak out because they aren't close enough to their food source.
Why/how do I create such needy, intense babies? I have asked myself this question a lot lately. Or rather, why do we, Eddie 3 and I, create these temperamental creatures who crave affection/human touch and startle easily? They are no where near as fragile as E4 was and can be put down to sleep quite well (yes, I am actually putting them down for naps drowsy but awake at times!!!), but they are still definitely not EASY babies. Whatever EASY is. Anyway, I ask this and then I witness my husband throwing a diaper onto the floor in the middle of the night in a rage because the strap on it broke, and I smile, realizing how easily we both can escalate to frustrated in stressful situations. Somehow I have not been pushed to my limit yet....I repeat, yet. But I have to report that E3 is struggling to remain calm lately, mostly in response to E4's antics. Yes, our E4 went from handling the babies very well in the first month to a complete terror in the 2nd month. He wants to nurse constantly, asking for "mama milk" anytime only one baby is nursing or he sees an open opportunity, i.e. I am sitting down. He has been misbehaving in general, doing things like throwing shoes around, kicking the babies bassinet and being very loud with slamming doors or banging toys. If you tell him not to do something, he does the exact opposite. It is very draining. I feel very drained. Ok, maybe I should lay down.
Why/how do I create such needy, intense babies? I have asked myself this question a lot lately. Or rather, why do we, Eddie 3 and I, create these temperamental creatures who crave affection/human touch and startle easily? They are no where near as fragile as E4 was and can be put down to sleep quite well (yes, I am actually putting them down for naps drowsy but awake at times!!!), but they are still definitely not EASY babies. Whatever EASY is. Anyway, I ask this and then I witness my husband throwing a diaper onto the floor in the middle of the night in a rage because the strap on it broke, and I smile, realizing how easily we both can escalate to frustrated in stressful situations. Somehow I have not been pushed to my limit yet....I repeat, yet. But I have to report that E3 is struggling to remain calm lately, mostly in response to E4's antics. Yes, our E4 went from handling the babies very well in the first month to a complete terror in the 2nd month. He wants to nurse constantly, asking for "mama milk" anytime only one baby is nursing or he sees an open opportunity, i.e. I am sitting down. He has been misbehaving in general, doing things like throwing shoes around, kicking the babies bassinet and being very loud with slamming doors or banging toys. If you tell him not to do something, he does the exact opposite. It is very draining. I feel very drained. Ok, maybe I should lay down.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
the arrival of will and clark
It has been one month and finally had a moment to post the birth story!
Birth, the act of giving life, is such an incredible, powerful emotional and physical experience that I'd like to believe that even an atheist would be convinced of a higher power after giving or witnessing a natural birth. And so when my doctor told me that it was likely I was going to have to be induced, instead of letting that higher power and nature dictate the birthdate of my twins, I was less than enthused. At 36 weeks and a day (Thursday April 7th) my doctor told me that my blood pressure was rising and there was too much protein in my urine, signs of pregnancy-induced hypertension with risk of preclampsia. They ran some additional tests on my liver enzymes and platelets that day and luckily after spending close to 8 hours in the doctor's office and triage, we were sent home. I had to then collect my urine for 24 hours and return on Monday. On Tuesday the 12th he called me around 11 a.m. and said that my urine still had a significant amount of protein in it and so we were going to induce today. I said, "ok, when should I come in?" He said "now." E4 was in school, so my Mom drove me to the hospital and Eddie left work and met me there. We were admitted into a labor and delivery room around 1. Pitocin was administered first, around 2 p.m. and I didn't really feel anything even though the machine was tracking some contractions. The resident checked my cervix and I was at 3 cm. Dr Chen's colleague Dr. Beyer came in around 3:30 and broke my bag. Another couple hours passed and I still didn't even feel like I was in labor, complaining to Peyton (my doula) and my husband that the waiting was causing me to feel anxious and just couldn't wait to feel pain. Finally around 5:30 or so I was on the phone with my sister and had a contraction that felt like a contraction. I labored leaning over the raised hospital bed, with Peyton rubbing my back through moderate contractions for about an hour and a half. At one point I actually said that I was "at peace during my contractions" because it felt good to finally FEEL something. During one of the contractions the nurse was trying to explain to Eddie how to turn music on the TV and she said "look for the channel with the daffodils." After this I kept having the word and image of daffodils in my head, imagining them blossoming open; this proved to be significant not only because it helped open up my cervix, but also when we got home there were flowers for us in our bedroom which E4 had picked out: daffodils.
Around 7 p.m. or so, my contractions started to become more intense; I knew this because I started swaying more and even moaned a bit. But I only had about 4 contractions like this before I exclaimed "rectal pressure!" and told Peyton I had to poop; I did poop. And then she asked the resident to check me because I was having the urge to push. The resident said "she's complete." And just like that a slurry of people were coming in the room; it was shift change time and all these nurses and doctors were introducing themselves amidst their own discussion of, what should we do? since the plan was for me to get an epidural; twin deliveries are required to get an epidural because of the risk of an emergency c-section for Baby B. Without it, you would have to be put under. Dr. Chen gave the orders over the phone to not give me the epidural and shortly thereafter they were wheeling me into the OR to begin pushing. The hardest part was wanting to push but them telling me not to because they weren't ready yet. Peyton was in my ear coaching me how to breathe through the contractions, as if holding in the breathes so as not to push. Only 1 person was allowed to accompany me into the OR and Eddie and I had discussed this at length prior; he unselfishly relinquished his spot to Peyton, knowing that she would be the most effective at supporting me through this potentially difficult labor. So, in the old school fashion, my husband was waiting outside the room, calling his family and friends, eagerly awaiting news. Back in the OR, I was uncomfortable lying down and began having really bad heartburn and then also complained that I was hungry. I pushed about 6 times and heard the joyous cries of baby A...a boy...my Clarkie. The pediatric team took him off to check vitals. I felt a huge sense of relief and did not feel at all like there was another baby in me, but they assured me that Baby B was there, head down and I could push during the next contraction. I pushed only three times and out came Will very smoothly and easily; I saw his screaming face and he looked just like E4 did at birth. Clark was 5 lbs 6 oz. and 18.5 inches long and received a 9.9 apgar score! Will was 5 lbs. 15 oz. and 19.25 inches long. Clark had a low glucose reading though and because they were technically pre-term at 36 weeks and 6 days (one more day and they would have been fullterm for twins!), Clark was admitted to the NICU that night. He had to have his blood sugar tested every 3 hours to make sure it was okay. And they had to feed him formula until it was brought up to the proper level. But once it was above a certain reading, I came and nursed him every three hours. He was discharged from the NICU the next day at 4 p.m. and we were all together as a family for only one night in the tiny hospital room until we left on Thursday at 3 p.m. E4 was home with Nonni and behaving well. When we arrived home with the babies he was a tad curious but mostly went about his business and played very independently. He was only interested in the babies when they would cry (typically during a diaper change) or when laying in their bassinet in the family room. He can say "Will" and Clark he calls "Baby C."
Birth, the act of giving life, is such an incredible, powerful emotional and physical experience that I'd like to believe that even an atheist would be convinced of a higher power after giving or witnessing a natural birth. And so when my doctor told me that it was likely I was going to have to be induced, instead of letting that higher power and nature dictate the birthdate of my twins, I was less than enthused. At 36 weeks and a day (Thursday April 7th) my doctor told me that my blood pressure was rising and there was too much protein in my urine, signs of pregnancy-induced hypertension with risk of preclampsia. They ran some additional tests on my liver enzymes and platelets that day and luckily after spending close to 8 hours in the doctor's office and triage, we were sent home. I had to then collect my urine for 24 hours and return on Monday. On Tuesday the 12th he called me around 11 a.m. and said that my urine still had a significant amount of protein in it and so we were going to induce today. I said, "ok, when should I come in?" He said "now." E4 was in school, so my Mom drove me to the hospital and Eddie left work and met me there. We were admitted into a labor and delivery room around 1. Pitocin was administered first, around 2 p.m. and I didn't really feel anything even though the machine was tracking some contractions. The resident checked my cervix and I was at 3 cm. Dr Chen's colleague Dr. Beyer came in around 3:30 and broke my bag. Another couple hours passed and I still didn't even feel like I was in labor, complaining to Peyton (my doula) and my husband that the waiting was causing me to feel anxious and just couldn't wait to feel pain. Finally around 5:30 or so I was on the phone with my sister and had a contraction that felt like a contraction. I labored leaning over the raised hospital bed, with Peyton rubbing my back through moderate contractions for about an hour and a half. At one point I actually said that I was "at peace during my contractions" because it felt good to finally FEEL something. During one of the contractions the nurse was trying to explain to Eddie how to turn music on the TV and she said "look for the channel with the daffodils." After this I kept having the word and image of daffodils in my head, imagining them blossoming open; this proved to be significant not only because it helped open up my cervix, but also when we got home there were flowers for us in our bedroom which E4 had picked out: daffodils.
Around 7 p.m. or so, my contractions started to become more intense; I knew this because I started swaying more and even moaned a bit. But I only had about 4 contractions like this before I exclaimed "rectal pressure!" and told Peyton I had to poop; I did poop. And then she asked the resident to check me because I was having the urge to push. The resident said "she's complete." And just like that a slurry of people were coming in the room; it was shift change time and all these nurses and doctors were introducing themselves amidst their own discussion of, what should we do? since the plan was for me to get an epidural; twin deliveries are required to get an epidural because of the risk of an emergency c-section for Baby B. Without it, you would have to be put under. Dr. Chen gave the orders over the phone to not give me the epidural and shortly thereafter they were wheeling me into the OR to begin pushing. The hardest part was wanting to push but them telling me not to because they weren't ready yet. Peyton was in my ear coaching me how to breathe through the contractions, as if holding in the breathes so as not to push. Only 1 person was allowed to accompany me into the OR and Eddie and I had discussed this at length prior; he unselfishly relinquished his spot to Peyton, knowing that she would be the most effective at supporting me through this potentially difficult labor. So, in the old school fashion, my husband was waiting outside the room, calling his family and friends, eagerly awaiting news. Back in the OR, I was uncomfortable lying down and began having really bad heartburn and then also complained that I was hungry. I pushed about 6 times and heard the joyous cries of baby A...a boy...my Clarkie. The pediatric team took him off to check vitals. I felt a huge sense of relief and did not feel at all like there was another baby in me, but they assured me that Baby B was there, head down and I could push during the next contraction. I pushed only three times and out came Will very smoothly and easily; I saw his screaming face and he looked just like E4 did at birth. Clark was 5 lbs 6 oz. and 18.5 inches long and received a 9.9 apgar score! Will was 5 lbs. 15 oz. and 19.25 inches long. Clark had a low glucose reading though and because they were technically pre-term at 36 weeks and 6 days (one more day and they would have been fullterm for twins!), Clark was admitted to the NICU that night. He had to have his blood sugar tested every 3 hours to make sure it was okay. And they had to feed him formula until it was brought up to the proper level. But once it was above a certain reading, I came and nursed him every three hours. He was discharged from the NICU the next day at 4 p.m. and we were all together as a family for only one night in the tiny hospital room until we left on Thursday at 3 p.m. E4 was home with Nonni and behaving well. When we arrived home with the babies he was a tad curious but mostly went about his business and played very independently. He was only interested in the babies when they would cry (typically during a diaper change) or when laying in their bassinet in the family room. He can say "Will" and Clark he calls "Baby C."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
right now
Right now amidst the punches and kicks of my unborn babies I am thinking of my other baby, my Eddie. I am always thinking about him, worrying about him. The speech pathologist's words echo in my mind: "we have to honor where he is at now." His whimsy, his fervor, his whirlwind of play and babble, his neediness, his introverted shyness and even his laziness and desire to stay in his PJs late into the afternoon. There is a wide spectrum of "typical childhood development," she tells me and Eddie falls arguably within that; he is just on the slower end of the spectrum. He is just a tad immature...in many ways. This insight was shared with me weeks ago and just recently as I was putting him to bed I tried to find a new perspective on this professional affirmation of my own assessment and intuition. I was thinking that our society is in too much of a rush. We expect our kids to grow up so fast, to mature too rapidly and to develop into independent mini adults way before their time. Maybe it is a good thing that Eddie is taking his time, maybe it is a good thing that he wants to be a baby a tad longer. Maybe he will grow into a confident, secure child and adult because he was allowed to indulge in infancy. I hope this. But my concern lingers. My husband has more faith - he says he looks into Eddie's eyes and sees that he is okay, that he is smart, that he is good. I wish I could feel this secure, instead of worrying over things like why he won't pedal his bike or why he runs and hides when people come to the door. I suppose this is all part of being a parent....deep breath....as I prepare to bring two more into the world.
Monday, March 14, 2011
the 3 hour nap
Eddie has never been one for consistency when it comes to sleep, we all know this. Lately his naps are getting very inconsistent; some days he refuses a nap (it basically consists of a failure on my part to put him down effectively and so he will play in his crib for a half an hour/45 minutes or so but never sleep), most days his naps are more like 1 hour or maybe 2. But every once in awhile he simultaneously treats me and bewilders me with a 3 hour nap. Today is one of those days. He is just getting over a cold so I feel like it has been eons since he last took a good nap and I am trying to make the most out of this chunk of time but find myself getting consumed by phone calls and texts and emails and my ever-looming growling stomach that prevents me from ever getting any real solid project work done. But I did clean my oven yesterday, and I did pay to have my upholestry and rugs cleaned this morning, so I do feel somewhat productive. Pause. Take a bite of lasagna, lunch number two for me today.
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